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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25215697">the smoke ring vignette</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryPoisoning/pseuds/MercuryPoisoning'>MercuryPoisoning</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Love Live! Sunshine!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Rewrite, Dia gets mad, Don't Read This, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kanan Is Depressed, Kanan is a nicotine addict, Lesbian Tears, Mari is literally just trying to vibe, School Idols (Love Live!), Sexual Content, Substance Abuse, What Have I Done, but not really kanan is just an idiot, everyone is sad, kananmari, lord save my soul and my sleep schedule</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:49:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,672</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25215697</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryPoisoning/pseuds/MercuryPoisoning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Mari comes home, but everything has changed. The winds of promise blow cold now. <br/>-<br/>OR, rewrite of Mari homecoming but it's literally just Kanan being sad, and when I say sad, I mean REALLY sad :(<br/>TW for mentions of suicide and a (half accidental) suicide attempt.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Matsuura Kanan/Ohara Mari</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A big yellow sun is making its descent over the bay in Uchiura, reflecting golden light off the sea and the sky and the wooden panelling of the diveshop by the shore road. As the evening wears on, locals and tourists filter out of the shop, each pausing to thank the girl with the blue hair and admire the ocean. Eventually it is quiet.</p><p>Kanan Matsuura tidies the deck. She carries discarded oxygen tanks into the store room and locks it up. She picks up some garbage, rearranges the patio chairs. The sun is fire in her eyes. From the belly of the diveshop: her grandfather’s laughter, her mother’s quipped comeback. Kanan slumps into a chair and watches the sky.</p><p>She’s tired; manning the shop virtually by herself has been a lot to handle these past few months, so much so that she’s stopped going to school. Frankly, she doesn’t mind it. The work is good - tiring, but good, and it’s more than enough to keep her mind off other things. The only thing she could say she sort of misses about school is the company of other girls her age, but Kanan has never been a social butterfly. Dia drops by sometimes to give her assignments (she doesn’t do them) and Chika and You have been hanging around a lot lately, going on about some school idol bullshit. They’re cute, but Kanan doesn’t want to hear about it. She doesn’t like the way Chika’s eyes gleam with determination when she says “school idol.”</p><p>No, she won’t think about it. Kanan shakes out a cigarette and lights it. The sun sinks lower. She exhales clouds of smoke and watches the way they mingle with the ones in the sky, superimposing over the streaks of colour until it all looks like paint. Inside, the voices go quiet. Kanan tries to focus on her breath, on the comforting burn of smoke in her lungs. She closes her eyes, breathes. Breathes.</p><p>The hum of an approaching aircraft shakes her from her daze.</p><p>Ignoring the way her thighs fire up in protest, Kanan stands wearily and pads to the edge of the deck. She squints up at the darkening sky, searching beneath the burn of the dying sun for the source of that noise. The cigarette smoulders in her hand. A sleek purple helicopter comes out of the sun and whirs over the bay.</p><p>“Fuck,” Kanan mutters, dragging on her cigarette. Darkness snakes its fingers over Uchiura. Kanan watches it come, and she waits. What for, she can’t explain; it’s just a vain possibility, a stupid hope born from a time that’s passed. She shouldn’t take these things for granted anymore. But she does, like the fool she is.</p><p>Two cigarettes later there are footsteps on the stairs.</p><p>Kanan shuts her eyes. Of course it has to happen like this. Of course it always happens like this.</p><p>“Kanan,” says a soft voice from behind her, and a column of fire erupts on Kanan’s spine. <em>So it’s really her</em>. That voice, rich and golden, full of unspoken things and big ideas and lost possibility -</p><p>“Kanannnnnnn-CHAN!” the voice yells, and within the span of one breath Mari Ohara is all over her, big golden eyes and soft golden hair and an unfamiliar flowery scent. Her arms are locked around Kanan’s waist, her face buried in Kanan’s chest.</p><p>Kanan can’t even react at first. When she comes to her senses she pries Mari off and shoves her away, trying to hide the way her hands are shaking.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” she demands, and it comes out harsher than intended, but Kanan is too tired to feel bad.</p><p>Mari pouts. “Not happy to see me, then? And I’ve been gone so long!”</p><p>Kanan feels the fight drain out of her. She inhales smoke and lets it out slowly. “No,” she says eventually. “I’m happy to see you. You look well.”</p><p>“So cold, Kanan-chan,” Mari remonstrates dramatically, but then her expression changes and the facade falls away. “So,” she continues quietly, seriously. “You smoke now?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Since when?”</p><p>“Couple years ago, I guess.” <em>Since you left</em>.</p><p>Mari frowns a bit, watchful, expectant. Kanan doesn’t know what to say.</p><p>“Welcome back,” she tries, but it sounds flat.</p><p>“Mmm.” Mari brightens again, like she was just waiting for the conversation to turn to her. “It’s so good to be back by the sea! I saw a lot of amazing things abroad, you know, Kanan-chan. I learned a lot too. But there’s really nothing like Uchiura. That’s why I’m back.”</p><p>Somehow Kanan doesn’t believe her, but she just says, “You’ll have to fill me in on those adventures.”</p><p>Mari giggles and Kanan hates the way it makes her chest light up. “I will. For now, though, I’ve got to go. It’s late, and I’m jetlagged off my ass. Ciao!”</p><p>“Bye, Mari,” Kanan says quietly, but Mari is already bouncing off into the deep blue night.</p><p>It <em>is</em> late, and Kanan is tired, but she stands on the patio and finishes her cigarette. She watches the smoke curl and the stars appear. She thinks about Mari, how long her hair is now, how much taller she’s gotten. She thinks about Mari’s voice and wonders if it was so layered in their first year. She thinks about fate. She thinks about Mari.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. ii</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There’s this chick, Hina Yuwari, who’s been coming to the diveshop every day for nearly a week now. She’s from out of town, apparently, just visiting an uncle or something. She really seems to be falling in love with diving. She’s got dark hair that she wears short around her ears, and a petite, vaguely muscular frame. And she chatters at Kanan constantly, which would normally be annoying; but Kanan finds her frank wit vaguely enjoyable, on the rare occasion that she can allow herself to enjoy anything at all in the first place.</p>
<p>Two days after Mari shows up out of nowhere, Kanan is boating back across the bay with the last batch of today’s amateur divers, the late sun warm on her back. Hina is there, going on about a fish she saw today. Kanan listens quietly, steering and docking with the ease of years of practice.</p>
<p>When all the tourists have bustled off, Hina hangs around. She helps Kanan lock the store room, and though Kanan urges her to leave, she doesn’t actually mind the help. Eventually they are standing on the now-tidy patio and Kanan is politely saying goodnight.</p>
<p>“The sunsets here are magnificent,” Hina gushes, leaning against the rail. “I really love this place, Matsuura-san. Honestly? I think I could see myself moving here.”</p>
<p>“It is gorgeous,” Kanan agrees dreamily, forgetting herself for a moment and leaning up next to Hina. “I love the ocean.”</p>
<p>They stand in silence for a moment, and then Hina asks, “Do you think you’ll ever leave?”</p>
<p>Kanan doesn’t know, really; she can’t explain how she feels about that, can’t explain the way the world seems to rush by her while she stagnates here, doing the same thing every day; and she can’t explain how, even so, she can’t see herself leaving. She doesn’t know how to say any of it so instead she says, “It’s getting late, Yuwari-san. If you like, we can call you a cab? On the house.”</p>
<p>Hina shakes her head. “I can walk, it’s not far. But you’re very sweet.” And then she kind of leans in, and Kanan can smell the sea when she kisses her.</p>
<p>They get lost in it for a long moment, and then Hina pulls back sharply, embarrassed, “Ah, I’m sorry, Matsuura-san. I forgot myself.”</p>
<p>Kanan eyes her warily, the way her green eyes flick back and forth, the flush on her cheeks. “It’s alright,” she sighs. “But you’d better go now, Yuwari-san.”</p>
<p>“Right. Of course.”</p>
<p>“Goodnight, Yuwari-san.”</p>
<p>“Ah… goodnight, Kanan-san.”</p>
<p>She used my first name, Kanan observes idly, watching her disappear. Her lips feel wet. She runs the back of her hand over her mouth and frowns, filled with faint tendrils of disgust. Why would she kiss back? There’s no way to justify it, but Kanan hasn’t felt real in so very long, and the warmth of another human against her was unexpectedly welcome. An involuntary shudder goes though her body. She lights up, trying to push the whole damn thing from her mind.</p>
<p>And sees Mari on the beach across the road.</p>
<p>Kanan feels her heart sink, though she doesn’t care to analyze why. She smokes half her cigarette before she builds up the courage to cross the road. Her feet sink into the sun-warmed sand, footsteps sending up audible puffs of the stuff as she approaches. Mari doesn’t turn around. Kanan stands beside her and watches the slow rock of outgoing waves, feeling dirty.</p>
<p>“Still smoking?” Mari asks after a while, and that pensive, sad tone is back in her voice. Kanan wonders where it came from. The more she thinks about it, the more she realizes she doesn’t know Mari at all, not anymore.</p>
<p>“Mhm.”</p>
<p>Mari still won’t look at her. “Why do you do it?”</p>
<p>That takes Kanan off guard, so she lets the silence cloud over them before trying to answer. “Keeps me calm,” she offers, lamely.</p>
<p>“You’re always calm, Kanan-chan,” Mari murmurs. “Like a pillar of rock in a storm.”</p>
<p>Kanan has to laugh at that, the sound rasping across her throat to come out more like a cough. “I think we’ve both changed more than we might realize, Mari.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Mari returns thoughtfully, “You’re right.”</p>
<p>Kanan folds her legs beneath her and sits in the sand, resting her elbows across her knees. Mari stands, watching the ocean. They are quiet for a long time.</p>
<p>“Was that your girlfriend?” Mari asks eventually, like Kanan knew she would. And even though she knew it was coming, it makes her defensive. This, coming from Mari, who hasn’t even called in two years. Two damn years.</p>
<p>“What if she is?” Kanan hears herself retorting, followed by an immediate, burning rush of shame.</p>
<p>Mari is silent for another long moment. “Well, if she is, congrats. I was beginning to worry you’d be single forever.” There it is, that teasing note, Mari sounding like real Mari once again.</p>
<p>Kanan exhales. “No. She’s not. She was just… passing through.”</p>
<p>“Ah.” Kanan feels, rather than sees, Mari’s slow nod. “Passing through. Do you think I am, too? Just passing through?”</p>
<p>Kanan doesn’t know what to say. She stands up and heads back to the road, feeling empty. Mari doesn’t follow.</p>
<p>After that, Hina stops showing up. Kanan is secretly relieved.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. iii</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dia drops by the next day, and the little frown creasing her finely-plucked eyebrows tells Kanan it’s not about anything good.</p><p>She and Dia don’t talk much, not really. Not since Mari left. They never discussed it; it just happened, inevitable like the incoming tide. They see each other and have conversations and pass greetings in class, but the closeness is gone. When Mari left, everything got a little darker. Dia watched Kanan drown her feelings in beer and cigarette smoke without lifting a finger in protest. Kanan watched Dia draw into herself, vaguely concerned by her aggressive obsession with school. They are friends still, but now they tend to keep a safe distance.</p><p>Kanan misses her so much it hurts, sometimes.</p><p>Now Dia sits across from her on the patio, tucking her school bag neatly between her feet. It’s a slow day, and the shop hasn’t seen much business since noon. Kanan is smoking and watching the world go by.</p><p>“Want a beer?” she offers by way of greeting.</p><p>Dia purses her lips in an attempt at disapproval, but she nods. When Kanan returns with two cans she’s staring out across the water, her gaze unfocused, thoughtful.</p><p>“So,” Dia sighs, and then takes a long sip of her beer. “She’s back.”</p><p>Kanan nods, not trusting herself to speak.</p><p>“I suppose she came to see you already,” Dia goes on, evidently trying to be brisk. “Did she mention anything about school idols?”</p><p>Kanan stiffens, stares at her friend. Dia won’t meet her gaze. Kanan studies her, noticing the purple shadows beneath her eyes, the tightness of her mouth. School idols? <em>Fuck, not again</em>.</p><p>“She hasn’t mentioned that,” Kanan says carefully. “Chika’s been talking about it, though. Her and You. They want to start a group.”</p><p>Dia’s green eyes narrow sharply. “I rejected their club proposal.”</p><p>“And Mari? What does she have to do with it?”</p><p>“She’s supporting them,” Dia mutters darkly. “Says she came back just to help them do it. And she’s school director now, did you know that? So I can’t stand up to her word. I did my best, but she’s made them an official club.”</p><p>Kanan doesn’t know what to say. There is a weight in her chest, heavy and exhausting, and she thinks it’s probably been there forever. She lets smoke fill her lungs and tips her head back to exhale it. Above them, the clouds drift slowly.</p><p>“You should come back to school,” Dia bursts out abruptly.</p><p>“No.” Kanan shakes ash from the tip of her cig and stands up. “Dia, I’m sorry, I can’t talk about this right now. About <em>her</em>.”</p><p>“When are you going to stop running away?” She’s pissed off now, eyebrows furrowed, green eyes glittering.</p><p>“I could say the same to you.”</p><p>Dia shoots to her feet. “At least I <em>tried</em>. How do you think I felt, when she waltzed up into my office and started turning everything into a fucking joke? But you don’t care, do you, not as long as you can rot away here with your cigarettes and your delicious fucking <em>self-pity</em>!”</p><p>Kanan stares at her, drained. Dia’s words sting, but she can’t muster up the energy to fight back, so she just turns away. The silence prickles and grows until Dia lets out a long breath.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Kanan-san,” she mutters. “That was totally uncalled for. I’m just - I guess I’m just tired.”</p><p>“It’s alright,” Kanan tells the ocean. “I deserved that.”</p><p>“I’ll see you around,” Dia says quietly, and leaves before Kanan can come up with a response.</p><p>Kanan thinks she might always be here, on the deck of the diveshop across from the beach in Uchiura, watching the waves push and pull, feeling the Earth turn beneath her feet. Hearing the ocean call to her. It could swallow her up in minutes, that ocean, take her in its grasp and dissolve her into nothing. Sink her into a place where everything stops mattering. Maybe it would be nice.</p><p>The weight in her chest hurts, so Kanan hangs the <em>CLOSED</em> sign up and takes the boat out by herself. She anchors a little ways out into the bay, gears up, and plunges into the cold, cold water.</p><p>She’s always found it easier to breathe underwater, even though it’s counterintuitive. These days, she always feels like she’s suffocating. But in the cool, dark belly of the ocean, her lungs free up. Her body fills with light. Her chest clears, her throat stops aching, her mind empties. Diving is so much better than smoking. If only she could stay here forever.</p><p>She could, though; she could stay here until her oxygen runs out and then keep staying, drifting silent on the currents that shape rocks and build continents…</p><p>Half-aware of her movements, Kanan reaches up and undoes the clasps on her mask.</p><p>“…Kanan!”</p><p>Somewhere far away, someone is shouting her name. Kanan can’t understand why; perhaps she’s only imagining it. Who would be on the beach at high noon, when the sun is so very hot? She edges her fingers beneath the rim of her mask, breaking its suction on her face. Water leaks in and stings her eyes.</p><p>“Kanan!”</p><p>Who could it be? Sudden irritation floods her. She came out here to be alone, even closed the shop. Kanan tears off her mask. It floats away.</p><p>Cold water forces her eyes shut. Kanan lets her breath out slowly, through her nose, hearing the thud of her heartbeat in her ears, letting the salty, whispering ocean cleanse her. She strokes her arms slowly, just enough to fight the waves’ push, but she can feel herself sinking. It’s quiet. Kanan opens her eyes.</p><p>It hurts, but she pries them open and looks around. Everything is warped and blurry. Not crystal clear like it is from behind her diving mask. Where is her mask, anyway? Did she let it go? Kanan tilts back her head and thinks that might be it, that little shadow on the surface above her. Or is that the boat? She’s a long way down.</p><p>Her lungs start to burn.</p><p>Someone is calling her name.</p><p>Kanan shuts her eyes again. Her arms still. All around her is the ocean, and if she is very careful, she might find the ocean inside herself too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>writing the words "Dia takes a long sip of beer" took at least ten years off my lifespan, pls forgive me god</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. iv</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When she opens her eyes, the ocean is gone.</p><p>Kanan can’t sort out where she is for a long moment. Above her, the sky is streaked with the red and blue of a sunset. Her head feels fuzzy and her chest hurts. She’s cold. She must be on the beach, but she can’t remember swimming back… hadn’t she been diving?</p><p>
  <em>Where is the boat?</em>
</p><p>Panic fills her, and Kanan sits up. Her vision goes black immediately and she coughs violently, dry and hoarse, pain shooting through her chest. She curls in on herself, groaning, and realizes she is covered by a light blue cardigan.</p><p>“Kanan-chan,” a familiar voice whispers from directly above her. Kanan feels her whole body go rigid.</p><p>Mari is standing in front of her. She’s soaked, her hair hanging limp over her shoulders, school uniform plastered to her shivering frame. And she’s crying, and Kanan doesn’t know why.</p><p>“Mari…” Kanan manages, hoarsely. “What are you doing? What happened?”</p><p>Mari buries her face in her hands and shakes, and Kanan gets the feeling that something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.</p><p>“<em>What am I doing?</em>” Mari looks up, eyes wild, cheeks streaked with tears. “<em>What am I doing? </em>How dare you, Kanan Matsuura! <em>How fucking dare you</em>!”</p><p>Kanan struggles to her feet, bewildered. “I- “</p><p>“Shut <em>up</em>!” Mari yells, and now she’s sobbing, her angry voice punctuated by gasps and hiccups. “What is wrong with you, Kanan? What happened to you? Tell me why you treat me like a stranger! Tell me why you’re always smoking those - those damn <em>things</em>! <em>Tell me why you just tried to fucking drown yourself</em>!”</p><p>Kanan’s breath hitches. She stares at the girl in front of her, at her wild wet hair and her trembling lips, her eyes that overflow with tears. And everything comes rushing back. The boat, the ocean, her mask…</p><p>“I-I’m sorry,” Kanan whispers, feeling so very small. “I… I didn’t mean to do that. I just…”</p><p>Mari surges forward, flings her cold arms around Kanan’s neck, and sobs loudly into her shoulder.</p><p>“…I just thought it would be easier to breathe,” Kanan finishes, very quietly, and she shuts her eyes and feels every last ounce of what little strength she had left pour out of her like water. Water pours over her shoulders and down her spine. It fills her head and seeps out of her pores. It falls from her eyes and lands in Mari’s hair.</p><p>“The boat,” Kanan says quietly, when she remembers.</p><p>Mari steps away then, rubbing her eyes furiously, and Kanan can feel her absence like a blow to the gut. “I-I got your dad to take it in,” she hiccups. “He wanted to bring you inside but I told him you shouldn’t be moved. I don’t know where your mask went, but he thinks it broke while you were diving, and you were too deep to reach the surface before you ran out of air. But it didn’t break, did it, Kanan? It didn’t break. I know it didn’t.”</p><p>“No,” Kanan manages. She can’t look Mari in the eye. “It didn’t.”</p><p>“I knew it,” she rasps quietly, her sobbing replaced by a shaky tone and the occasional hiccup. “I knew you were doing something stupid the minute I saw the boat out there and the shop closed. And you weren’t answering when I called and then I swam in and you were just floating out there, just below the surface, and you weren’t breathing and I - I just - “</p><p>Mari dissolves into fresh sobs. Kanan staggers back, unable to keep herself upright any longer. Unable to suppress the tears when they come barging up behind her eyes like an army. It’s been so long since she last cried. She covers her eyes with a hand and tries to swallow back the grief that seems to be consuming her, splintering her, choking her, breaking her.</p><p>Mari wraps her in her arms again and they sink into the warm sand together and cry. The sun goes down, and still they sit there, two girls and an echo of forgotten possibility.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>idk man, I didn't know how to tag this shit because it's not like it was a pre-meditated suicide attempt, sis was just trying to become an Actual Dolphin or something... anime girl of the sea</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. v</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eventually Mari coaxes Kanan back to the diveshop, wherein Kanan is pounced upon by her concerned family. She is fretted over, her temperature taken, scolded for being careless, probed for answers about the state of her diving equipment. Kanan tries to smile and respond and lie, but it feels hollow. Mari comes to her rescue by pointing out the need for Kanan to get changed and take a hot bath.</p><p>“You, too, Mari-san,” Kanan’s mother observes, quiet and concerned. “Kanan, get her some fresh clothes, now. Mari-san, we can’t thank you enough for saving our daughter. Who knows what would have happened had you not been there. Please make yourself at home here.”</p><p>Mari smiles weakly. “I’m always looking out for Kanan-chan, Mrs. Matsuura.”</p><p>The words make Kanan’s heart ache.</p><p>They go upstairs together, and Kanan pulls dry clothes from her drawers while her mother runs the bath. Mari sits on the floor and watches Kanan peel off her diving suit. Kanan can’t look at her. It is a relief when her mother calls that the bath is ready, and peeps into the room with an offering of fresh towels.</p><p>“You want to go first?” Kanan offers quietly.</p><p>She can feel Mari’s gaze burning holes in her back. “Let’s go together.”</p><p>Too exhausted to protest, Kanan finishes undressing and wraps herself in a towel. “Here.” She gestures to the hamper in the corner of her room, painfully aware of the rustle of Mari’s movements behind her. “Put your wet things in there, we’ll get them washed and dried tonight.”</p><p>She leads Mari to the back of the house, where the bath is waiting, steaming and lavender-scented. She hesitates awkwardly, but Mari drops her towel and steps in without preamble; and Kanan stares, momentarily transfixed by the endless curves of Mari’s body, the graceful way she lowers herself in halfway, how the ends of her golden hair spread out and float when they hit the water -</p><p>Mari feels her stare, turns around. “Dummy,” she smiles softly. “Get in before you catch a cold.”</p><p>Kanan gets in.</p><p>It feels amazing, the hot water encasing her body like a cocoon, steam curling her hair and flushing her cheeks. Kanan closes her eyes and the soft scent of lavender floods her senses. She hears Mari sigh contentedly next to her.</p><p>The bath is small, round. Their legs press together. They’ve bathed together countless times, but always at hot springs or public baths; this is so much more intimate, so much more vulnerable. And though the years have made them familiar with each other’s bodies in a general sense, Kanan is sure that Mari was not so - <em>curvaceous </em>two years ago. It should be illegal for anyone to be that fucking <em>sexy</em>.</p><p>Even so, she likes the soft edges of Mari’s form against her own, likes the way she can feel her breath through the swell of her shoulders. For a small moment, she is at peace.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Kanan-chan,” Mari says abruptly.</p><p>“…It’s me who should be sorry.”</p><p>“No, for yelling at you like that. I lost control. You really scared me. But I don’t think you’re all that changed, Kanan.”</p><p>“I’m not so sure,” Kanan breathes, gazing down at her hands. She can’t mark an exact point in time where everything started to turn grey around her, but it must have been shortly after Mari left. Kanan doesn’t feel the same, not anymore. Sometimes she feels like she turned into a different person the moment she stepped onto that stage. Someone who lies and hides and runs. But she never says this out loud.</p><p>Suddenly Mari turns and takes Kanan’s face in her hands. Startled, Kanan tries to pull away, but Mari’s grip is firm. Kanan drops her eyes. Mari’s hands are soft and damp.</p><p>“No, look at me,” Mari pleads softly. “Look me in the eyes, Kanan.”</p><p>So she does. Mari’s eyes are big and golden, exactly how they were two years ago, but now there is a wistful sadness in them that Kanan can’t bear to see.</p><p>“I wasn’t trying to - to kill myself,” Kanan whispers, feeling like maybe her words can fix this, fix everything. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I was just - “</p><p>“Shut up,” Mari breathes fiercely, and kisses her.</p><p>The world vanishes at once. It is just the two of them there in the bath, just the two of them alone in an empty world, just the two of them holding each other to stay afloat - Kanan is on fire, or maybe she is melting, but either way she’s somewhere else entirely, and Mari is kissing her and Mari is kissing her and Mari is kissing her and Mari is kissing her and Mari Mari Mari Mari.</p><p>“Wow,” Kanan gasps out when they finally break apart. “I’ve been wanting to do that for years.”</p><p>Mari giggles, pokes Kanan’s collarbone teasingly. “Wah, so forward, Kanan-chan! You like me that much?!”</p><p>Caught between a frown and a massive grin, Kanan grabs Mari’s hand, makes her stop poking. “Mari,” she says seriously. “I’m not joking.”</p><p>“Me neither,” Mari sighs. She’s not giggling anymore. “I guess we’ve both been stupid for a really long time. But really, Kanan-chan, <em>smoking</em>??”</p><p>An odd surge of guilts wells up inside her. “Like I said, it just makes it easier.”</p><p>“Makes <em>what</em> easier?” Mari demands, and Kanan’s guilt is replaced with irritation until she sees Mari’s expression. It’s open, genuine. It’s Mari. When did it get so hard to talk to <em>Mari</em>? To anyone, for that matter? Kanan lets out a long breath.</p><p>Maybe it’s time to stop running.</p><p>“Well, honestly,” Kanan begins slowly. “It’s just something I picked up along the way. It’s common here, probably more so than it would have been where you were for the past two years. It’s just a habit for me now. But I can’t deny that it’s a coping mechanism, too.” She pauses, tries to gather the scattered ends of her thoughts, and lowers her voice. “I really missed you, Mari-chan.”</p><p>When Kanan looks up, Mari’s eyes are brimming with tears. And that only makes it worse, but she steels herself, squares her shoulders, looks Mari in the eye. No more running.</p><p>“And the truth is,” Kanan says, “I lied.”</p><p>Mari stares. “What?”</p><p>Kanan takes a deep breath. “I was only pretending I couldn’t dance. Back then. I knew you were throwing away your opportunities for the sake of Aqours. I couldn’t let that happen. So I ruined it. On purpose.”</p><p>Silence rings out around them. Mari’s not crying anymore, just staring blankly, and Kanan can feel the pounding of her own heart all through her body.</p><p>“You had a big, shining future ahead of you, Mari,” she goes on, her voice barely above a whisper. “I couldn’t let you waste it on that… I couldn’t let you waste it on <em>me</em>.”</p><p>The silence is deafening.</p><p>Eventually Mari stands up and gets out of the bath.</p><p>Kanan can’t stop herself from staring, watching the slow way the water slides down the curves of Mari’s hips and thighs, watching the sleek, almost professional way she wraps herself in her towel. Watching her move about the room, gathering up the clothing Kanan lent her and putting it on. Watching the way she fluffs up her hair in the mirror, fixes her eyebrows, folds her towel. Watching her turn away and say, in a voice completely devoid of emotion, “I’ll take my wet clothes home with me.”</p><p>Mari goes out and closes the door behind her. In the silence, Kanan sinks back into the bath, still tasting Mari’s lips on her own.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Kanan horny on main</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. vi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So you told her.”</p><p>Kanan looks up at Dia in mild surprise, squinting against the afternoon sunlight that beats down on the diveshop patio. “Why? She talk to you about it?”</p><p>“No.” Dia frowns out her disapproval. “But I can tell. She’s been moping about all week, hasn’t even been going off on me about Chika’s school idol club. In fact she’s been pretty cold to me. So I can’t imagine what else could have caused this, unless you went and did something stupid again?”</p><p>“Maybe a bit of both,” Kanan admits, grimacing. Dia is far too perceptive for anyone’s good.</p><p>“Hmm. By the way, I heard you almost drowned last Friday.”</p><p><em>Of course you did</em>. “Yeah, my dive mask was fucked up. I’m fine, though.”</p><p>Kanan studies the cigarette between her fingers intently, but she can feel Dia’s stare burning holes in her forehead. <em>Whatever</em>. What’s done is done, and she knows Dia will only give her an aggressive lecture.</p><p>“So what are you going to do now?” Dia eventually demands, in the tone of someone who has missed an opportunity to play her final trump card.</p><p>Kanan shrugs, feeling helpless. “I don’t know. I’ve never seen her so pissed before. She went dead silent, just walked out of the room. I’d feel like an asshole trying to win her back now.” She takes a long drag and looks up at Dia. “Man, sometimes I still feel like… Dia, do you think we did the right thing?”</p><p>“Oh, don’t start,” Dia drawls, exasperated. “That shit’s been eating you up for two years. If you really want to make it up to her, I suggest you stop wallowing in self-hatred and go tell her so.”</p><p>“You can’t act like it doesn’t bother you, too,” Kanan mutters, but Dia’s right, of course. She always is.</p><p>“No, you’re right. It does bother me and it always has. The differences between our situations are clear, however. You made the decision, and I played a long. You’re in love with her, and I just want my best friends back.”</p><p>Kanan stares at her, so taken aback by this uncharacteristic display of genuine emotion that she barely registers that key phrase. <em>You’re in love with her. </em>Dia stares back, defiant and weary. <em>I just want my best friends back</em>. And there’s that awful guilt again.</p><p>“Alright,” Kanan sighs. “I’ll talk to her.”</p><p>But mustering up the courage to call on Mari at her home isn’t necessary, as Kanan soon finds out. Hours after Dia leaves, having closed up shop and dressed in street clothes, Kanan shoulders her guilt and anxiety and sets out for the Ohara residence. Halfway there, she sees Mari at the end of the dock.</p><p><em>Their</em> dock, where Kanan and Dia used to signal to Mari on her lonely balcony. Their dock, where the three of them sat and dreamed and watched the stars. Their dock, where Mari told Kanan she was leaving and Kanan fought every urge in her body that screamed<em> kiss her now</em>. Their dock, where Kanan sometimes comes to drink herself stupid, and wishes she could turn back time. </p><p>Mari’s standing there now, a sea breeze whipping her hair and night dress about her; she looks ghostly, almost - ethereal. Kanan is overcome with the irrational fear that if she moves too loudly, Mari will blow away. So she steps quietly and stops a little ways behind her.</p><p>“Do you think the stars talk to each other?” Mari wonders, not turning around.</p><p>Kanan isn’t even sure that she’s aware of her presence. She hides herself under a blanket of practicality. “I doubt it. Not only are they light years apart, but they’re also just masses of burning gas. They couldn’t reach each other whether they wanted to or not.”</p><p>“So they’re like us,” Mari states matter-of-factly, and for some reason it makes Kanan feel stupid.</p><p>She watches the ocean breeze play through Mari’s hair, the way small golden strands dance around her ears and jaw, and is overcome with the feeling that nothing is real. She can taste that unfamiliar floral perfume on the wind.</p><p>“I want to kiss you again,” Kanan blurts before she can stop herself.</p><p>And finally, Mari turns. Her golden eyes glitter in the starlight. “Then do it,” she whispers, and Kanan obeys, pulled by a force so undeniable that it’s a miracle she’s suppressed it for this long. They melt into each other. The moon climbs. Come over, Mari gasps when they break apart, and then they run back along the deck together and down the road that lines the coast and through one of Mari’s many back doors; they slip through silent, looming hallways and arched doorframes, to the same little window-lined bedroom where they used to giggle and talk for hours into the early morning. Here, they start everything over again. Mari pulls Kanan into a tangle of sheets and Kanan bites her neck and Mari digs manicured nails into her back and shudders and Kanan watches everything come apart and fall back together at once.</p><p>They are old enough to recognize that sex isn’t the same as honesty, but still young enough to believe that it can build it. In the dark Kanan holds Mari in her arms and whispers long-buried truths into her ear, and Mari smiles against her collarbone and echoes them until they fall asleep.</p><p>They’ll be alright.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Or will they?</p><p>Anyway thanks for tuning in, have a good day and enjoy your life and please don't give yourself lung cancer!</p><p>Ciao bitches &gt;:)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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